something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
