Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
