We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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