I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
