I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
