am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
