you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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