Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
