well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
