People in love make me want to vomit
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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