your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
