it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
