I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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