He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
