You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
