I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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