Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
