pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
