I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
