You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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