Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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