Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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