after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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