rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
