dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
is wine microwaveable?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
