He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
