drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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