drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you didnt know i had herpes?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
