Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
