So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
