isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
