I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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