The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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