I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so let's talk penis.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
