My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
