Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
