New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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