Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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