what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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