I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
