Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
