Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
