I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
