Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
