we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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