Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
