Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
