I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
