Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
