I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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