my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
